A Pain In The Neck
by Solar the Hedgehog
Summary: What do you get when you cross Knuckles, two rubies, no OC's, and a vampire? Not a not-so-funny punchline, just a story. Just read it. Rated T for safety. Oh, and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!


Me: Hello? Solar? Taurus?

Sonic: WHAHAHA!

Me: EGGMAN! WHAT THE-

Shadow: It's Halloween you idiot. Sonic's dressed up as Eggman.

Me: The Grim Reaper?! I don't wanna die!

??: Boo!

Me: Silver, that ghost costume sucks.

Silver: How'd you know it was me?

Me: ...your hair...

Knuckles: Has anyone seen any OC's-

Me: There are no OC's in this story.

Knuckles: Sweet!

Me: And you're the main character (Shadow boos)

Knuckles: Sweet! (Shadow: You suck.)

Silver: Has anyone seen Rouge?

* * *

Rouge the bat glided gracefully into the tower of a dark castle. _If the rumors are true, there should be a set of rubies that are just waiting to be mine!_ She flew into a open window and looked around. _This place is creepy. It became colder when I entered. And I was just fine a minute ago!_ The bat pulled out a diagram of the castle. She followed her finger from the tower, to the basement, where the treasure was being held. _All right._ She ran to the stairway and jumped down. _Wait, I'm going 314 floors down...oh crap_. She plummeted like a stone. She flipped near the ground, and landed with out injury_. Now for that secret brick_. She searched the wall for a stone. When she pressed it, a pistol came out. Fortunately, Rouge was flexible enough to do bullet-time(not Matrix, Matrix is the place). _That didn't work. Time for the, indirect method._ Rouge placed an explosive at the base of the wall and ducked for cover. _3...2...1...?_ She looked at the explosive. It was a group of red candles with a clock glued to them. _..._, she thought. She threw a real bomb at the wall and it was rubble in a matter of seconds.

"Now for what I came here for." Then, an ancient bat rose out of a tomb. Surprised, Rouge roundhouse kicked him, causing him to go flying back into the wall. "Ow. What was that for?"

"Get out of the way, old man."

"So you too seek the rubies hidden here..."

"You're point?"

"Do not take them if you care about someone."

"Whatever." Rouge threw down a smoke bomb. The elderly bat coughed and closed his eyes to prevent smoke from getting into them. Unfortunately, Rouge took this as a opportunity to shove him back into his tomb. She then slammed the lid down. "Good night!" The bat's curses were muffled by the 3 inches of lead encasing him. _Why did they make these things so thick? Who would want to steal a corpse? _Rouge continued down the hallway until she fund what she was looking for: "There you are my preciouses!" The two rubies sat on a pedestal, shining in the dull light. She stuffed them in a bag then took off for home.

* * *

"Now to see how many carats you guys are." (Why does Rouge talk to _inanimate _gems?) When she took out the jewels, they were glowing with an ominous gray aura. "What the...!" A beam of light shot out from the jewels, impaling her. Her wings, fangs, and nails grew and her eyes became scarlet... Yes, Rouge the Bat became a vampire.

* * *

"Sonic? Sonic? What the crap? We we're supposed to meet up by the Master Emerald-"

"What's up?" _3 seconds ago_, thought Knuckles. The blue hedgehog was dressed up as his rival, Eggman. But his costume was a little too slim to be believable. He had a bag in the shape of a skull and a backpack filled with toilet paper. "Alright, are you ready to TP Shadow's house? I mean, yeah TP Shadow's house." Knuckles cracked his Indiana Jones whip, "Let's do it!" The two friends raced off the edge of Angel Island to get to Shadow's house.

**Shadow's POV:**

I know that some idiots are gonna do something that they're gonna regret later. THEY SHOULDN'T MESS WITH THE ULTIMATE LIFE FORM IF THEY WANT THEIR LIMBS INTACT. So I was setting up the tripwire that would set off a gun that should shoot a million (hopefully) lethal bullets at them. When I did I jumped to the window, which I left open to let fresh air in, to watch them get blown to bits. When they stepped on the wire, millions of bullets shot out, BULLETS OF CANDY. I shouldn't of had Tails install the security system.

**3rd Person:**

Shadow got up to close the window. But before he did, a black mist flew into the room. It materialized into a distinct figure. "Rouge, what the hell are you doing in my house?" Rouge charged for him, but he retaliated by pulling out his scythe and pushed her back. "Rouge, I'm warning you. This scythe is made of real metal and I sharpened it a minute ago." She spun in a roundhouse kick that accelerated into a tornado. When she made contact with Shadow, he was sent flying back. _Damn, she's strong._ She followed up by clawing at his head. He ducked, but her nails made a deep rip in his hood. _There's 30 dollars down the drain. _Shadow grabbed the nearest thing at hand (which was apparently a candy bowl) and slammed over Rouge's head. She fell unconscious. _SUCK IT ROUGE!_ He walked into his room, where Rouge was placidly waiting. "But-I-you-aw carp." Rouge bit him on the neck, he shuttered and fell over.

**Sonic's POV:**

That was awesome! Shadow isn't going to be able to see through his windows for a pretty long time. Heh, we should probably go inside to beg for mercy. When we got in, he wasn't yelling at us, shooting at us, throttling us, or all of the above. Instead he was lying on the ground, peacefully, calmly, happily-

Wait.

Peacefully?

Calmly?!

HAPPILY?!?!!

"Oh my God, Shadow!"

"I never knew you cared for Shadow that much."

"No, he has the Jaguar Brothers' limited edition version of Guitar Hero. But he is in bad shape: He's pale and looked like he lost a lot of blood."

"That's because he was bit by a vampire." 3...2...1...-1...-2...-3...-4...MAN, KNUCKLES IS SLOW! "A VAMPIRE?! WHO COULD OF DONE THIS?"

"Well kids, who do we know is a bat?"

"ROUGE!" Knuckles said with the 3 year old audience, who disappeared as suddenly as they came.

"Yes, now let's go find out why she became a vampire."

"It's Halloween?"

"Yes marshmallow-for-brains. But lets find out the real reason."

**3rd Person:**

The two heroes tried to bust into Rouge's house. Well one anyway: Knuckles swung through the window using his whip as a grappling hook. Sonic tried to do the same thing, but he crashed into a wall. He took the front door instead. They began to look around for clues to why Rouge had a sudden thirst for blood. Then Sonic stumbled upon the rubies.

"Hey Knuckles," Sonic threw the jewels to Knuckles, "what are these?" He examined the jewels then dropped them suddenly. "Hey, Knucklehead." Sonic waved his hand in front of Knuckles face, but he didn't respond. Then he gasped deeply.

"She...stole...one...of...the...Forbidden...Treasures..."

"Is that-"

"NO IT ISN'T! It's one of the thing that shouldn't be stolen."

"Like Shadow's tutu?"

"He has a tutu?"

"Not any more anyway."

"...Back to these gems. They make the thief become a vampire. And they bite people of the other gender."

"Which means..."

"Yep."

"WE NEED TO FIND TAILS!" The two not-so-currently-heroic heroes cried and ran in a circle before running to Tails's house.

"Tails, we need garlic, silver bullets, crosses, holy water, holy crosses, holy bullets, silver crosses, garlic crosses, garlic bullets, silver water, garlic water, seltzer water, and salt water. " Sonic said as-fast-as-I-can-type. He looked at Tails. "We're too late!" He was lying down on the floor of his basement/workshop. He had two small marks on his neck showing that was biten.

"All the cool, male characters have been biten!"

"What about-"

"ALL THE **COOL**, MALE CHARACTERS."

* * *

Silver was looking at himself in the mirror. _My ghost costume does suck. It's a plain, old sheet: you can tell it's me from a mile away. I know!_ A blue aura surrounded Silver. A black can of paint, a paintbrush, and foil stars floated around him (where does he get this stuff?). Within a matter of moments, Silver was a black phantom with stars covering his hands, legs, and head. _My costume still sucks._ Then Rouge came and bit him.

* * *

"Bye Wave!" Jet waved to Wave (no pun intended, besides that one was terrible) and opened the door of the Rogues' airship.

"Jet, you're immature enough to go trick-or-treating. But Storm?!"

"I do it for the maple candy!"

"...?"

"I love pancakes! (It's true.)"

"Just don't die."

"We won't!" With that, the thieves dressed as robbers free-falled out of the Babylon Airship. Then Rouge came and bit them in midair.

* * *

Big, then the Chaotix, then every other male Sonic character (but Knuckles and Sonic, and the ones who were already bitten) were biten, one by one.

* * *

"Holy crap! Now all the lame, male characters have been biten." The two were hiding under Knuckles's bed.

"I think we should evolve into antromorphologic animals."

"...Sonic, I don't think that's going to be a problem."

"Well, what do you plan on doing?"

"I'm going to return these things back to their rightful place!"

"You do that. I'm staying here." Sonic pulled out a bag of chips.

"Where'd you find that?"

"Your pantry." Knuckles punched Sonic over the head before he stormed out of his house to go to Transylvania, the place where the jewels came from.

_Well sure. He can go save us all. _Sonic thought. _I mean, Rouge has to go to bed when the sun comes up. I can always get more chips when the need arises. _"Right Rouge?" Sonic turned to Rouge, who was right next to him.

...

...

...

...

...

"Aw man!"

* * *

Knuckles breathed deeply. He ran all the way from Station Square to Transylvania, with the help of Wave's pair of Cover-S (an actual Sonic Riders: ZG skates) which he borrowed (stole cough cough)_. Why was Rouge stupid enough to steal these things anyway? She knows that it's a no-touchy_. He took off his hat and fanned himself with it. A black mist swirled around him, Rouge appeared in front of him. She did a few kicks and fancy, high-flying maneuvers to show-off.

"WHATEVER." Knuckles pulled out a squirt gun and shot her with it. She raised an eye-brow. "Holy water, THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" She didn't even twitch. "Silver bullets!" He took out a real pistol and shot at her, but failed, epically; the shots either missed miserably or stopped at her, backed up, slowly went around her, and continued on their merry way. "Garlic!" Knuckles remembered that Sonic ate it. "Uh, crosses, holy water, holy crosses, holy bullets, silver crosses, garlic crosses, garlic bullets, silver water, garlic water, seltzer water, salt water! AHH!" He processed to throw multiple items at her; which included, but not limited to: cupcakes, candy corn, apples, beer bottles, soda bottles, the Chaos Emeralds, medicine bottles, the Master Emerald, Mario, a dictionary, Eggman, and Barney. He finished by chucking a sink at her, which made contact and knocked her out. Knuckles ran to the castle front door and began to bang on the door. It fell in and he fell in with it. _That was lucky._Unfortuately for Knuckles, luck wasn't on his side. Rouge recovered and was quickly flying towards him. _Oh jeez! _Knuckles grabbed the door and slammed it down on top of Rouge, causing her to plunge into the moat.

Knuckles hopped down the steps two by two. "3 bottles of beer on the wall, 3 bottles of beer!-" Rouge threw a rock on his head to knock him out. This broke his concentration and made him mad. "I was **_THIS_**(triple text formatting!) close," Knuckles made a tiny amount of space between his index and thumb, "to breaking the world record!" He pulled out a bottle of beer (don't ask why he had them in the first place) and hurled it at Rouge. She staggered back. She rubbed her eyes, which were now glowing a particular-pissed-off red. _OH CRAP._Rouge dove for the poor echindna below. Knuckles jumped off the stairs and fell for the basement, a 312 story fall. "1000000 bottles of beer on the wall, 1000000 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, 999999 bottles of beer on the wall!"

* * *

"1 bottle of beer on the wall, 1 bottle of beer! Take it down, pass it around-" Knuckles landed on the ground, leaving a particularly large dent in the ground. "I think all bones broke from that fall..." Rouge landed softly on the ground, while Knuckles was struggling to climb out. Upon seeing her, he gave a high, timid shriek and sprinted for the tomb.

* * *

"Do not take the rubies if-"

"SHUT UP!" Knuckles hit the bat over the head with the coffin lid. He fell back into the coffin. "Wait, I had a lightbulb!"

* * *

Rouge calmly walked into the tomb. She had no reason to worry, her prey couldn't get away from her. She walked to a clearly, disturbed, closed coffin. She reasoned that he thought that bat was in there and he was hiding in a nearby crack in the wall. She reached into it and pulled out...the old bat.

**Knuckles's POV:**

She thought that I thought that the bat was in the coffin and I was in the wall. But I knew that she would think that I thought that she would think of me being an idiot-isn't that a load of balony?-and do that. SO, I put myself in the coffin and the unconscious bat in the crack! Now to break free! Break free! WHY CAN'T I BREAK FREE?!

**3rd Person:**

Rouge walked up to coffin, opened it, and found...a load of balony dressed up in an Indiana Jones costume.

**Knuckles's POV:**

I'M IN THE OTHER COFFIN! Since I knew Rouge would look in the bat's coffin. I took the figurative load of balony, dressed it in my Indiana Jones costume, and put in the coffin! Doesn't that make absolute sense?

**3rd Person:**

While Rouge was staring idioticly at the idiot's idiotic dummy, the real idiot was running idioticly for the idiotic idiot stool-uh-pedestal. (5 forms of the word idiot =) ) Rouge lunged for him as he placed the jewels on their pedestal. As she soared, her vampire-like features began to fade away. She crashed into Knuckles, who began to ask ridiculously random questions.

"Why did you steal the rubies? Why don't you watch where you're going? Why didn't you attack me? Why is the sky blue? Why is Chuck Norris awesome-"

"To give them to you. I do. The blue wavelengths are more disperse and numerous. I was. He can slam a revolving door."

"He can?"

"Aren't you going to ask me about the first question?"

"Yeah, sure."

"In a question."

"Yeah, sure?"

"That will do. I got them because they sort of remind me of you" (Me: (gags)) Knuckles kissed her.

* * *

Shadow: Grandiose! Oh, very, very grandidose!

Me: Isn't that-

Shadow: It's mine now!

Sonic: Well, wasn't that a happy ending?

Me: Meh, I could of done better. Time to bring out DA REMOTE! (thunder, lightning, and dramatic music ensue)

Knuckles: What's that supposed to do?

Me: It controls realty. The red button creates explosions, the blue one causes a fade out, yellow: lightning, green: memory wipe- but me, black: trapdoor, gray: safe.

Shadow: I want one!

Me: It's mine and it's Shadow proof.

Shadow: Prove it.

Me: (turns over remote, showing Shadow's logo with a red 'X' over it)

Sonic: What are you going to do?

Me: Memory wipe everyone involved with this story (except me and the readers). In other words, erase this story from existence.

Everyone (but me): NO!

Knuckles: What about the heartwarming ending?

Me: I gagged, remember.

Everyone (but me):(does puppy dog face)

Me: Fine, but only the puppy face won me over. (throws remote behind me)

Everyone (but me): (celebrates)

Cream: (everyone but me celebrating in the background) Cheese, you can put your candy over there.

Cheese: (puts candy conviently on remote, on the green button.)

Everyone (but me): (memory wiped)

Sonic: What am I doing here?

Knuckles: It's Halloween!

Shadow: Silver, your costume sucks.

Silver: (sighs) I know.

Everyone: Happy Halloween!

Shadow: Crap! Only 3 hours left!

Everyone: (runs to go treat-or-treating)


End file.
